VISION: WE MUST INSPECT THE PREMISES FOR INFORMATION.
NOVA: HANG ON, I GOTSTA TWEET WHERE WE ARE.
VISION: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SHOW SUCH AN OBSESSION TOWARDS YOUR BLACKBERRY.
NOVA: 'COURSE YOU DON'T FRIGGIN' UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE AN iPAD WITH A CAPE.
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NOVA & THE VISION, Ep. 2: "GOD, I'M HUNGRY."
N & V find a ton of body parts with Asgardian fingerprints on 'em. Has Volstagg gone cannibal?
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep. 3: "Shaw's Shank Redemption."
N&V investigate dinner party murder at Hellfire Club. Nova has to put on a tie.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep. 4: "I Can See Vision's Mouth Moving."
N&V go undercover at Star Search, compete against barbershop quartet of Blackbolt, Siryn, Banshee, Screaming Mimi.
And yes, for their Star Search performance, Nova & Vision will do a ventriloquist/dummy act.
NOVA: Vision! Blackbolt's coming! Quick, phase your butt so I can put my hand up there!
VISION: I DESPISE YOU.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 5: "Hexual Healing."
V's wife insists N come to their house for dinner. N can't help noticing V's wife's batshit nuts.
NOVA: Uh, hey Vision. Thanks for having me over. I brought a box of wine.
VISION: HOW THOUGHTFUL.
WANDA: hI nOvA! cOmE mEeT oUr BaBiEs!
NOVA: Uh...those're bags of flour with Mr. Potato Head eyes.
VISION: JUST GO WITH IT, NOVA.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 6: "The Man Without Beer."
Daredevil makes Hells Kitchen dry. N&V gotta take that boring Catholic dude down.
VISION: MR. MURDOCK, IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO RESTRICT AN ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD FROM CONSUMING ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.
DAREDEVIL: You just don't get it! I'm so mad, I just wanna go have sex with some woman, then feel guilty when somebody kills her!
NOVA: Dude. You need a drink.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 7: "Friendly Neighborhood Satan."
Mephisto's convincing women he can save their almost dead relatives...if they erase their marriages and start tricking for him. Watch out N&V, Daddy Mephisto's Pimp Hand is STRONG.
NOVA: Hey V, have you noticed a disproportionate amount of ho's around here recently?
VISION: OH DEAR. I FEAR DADDY MEPHISTO'S PIMP CANE HAS TAPPED ITS WAY BACK INTO MY JURISDICTION.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 8: "Fantastic Foursome."
Franklin Richards calls 911 after hearing awful noises coming from Unca Johnny's room.
NOVA: Mr. Storm? (knockknock) Yo dude, turn the reggae down and open the door!
HUMAN TORCH: Whuz-? Oh shiz, whuttup? C'mn in, we gots yegger...
VISION: MR. STORM, PLEASE DISMOUNT FROM THE ZEBRA AND STEP OUTSIDE. YOU TOO, LYRA, CRYSTAL & H.E.R.B.I.E.
H.E.R.B.I.E.: YO PO-PO. BZZT. WHY YOU GOTS TO HATE. BZRT. WE JUST GETTING OUR SWERVE ON. BZZT.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 9: "Is The Vision Packing?"
On the trail of a sex offender, Nova wonders if Vision was built with...boy parts.
VISION: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, NOVA.
NOVA: C'mon, just tell me and I'll drop it.
VISION: YOU ARE A CHILD INCAPABLE OF THOUGHTS NOT INVOLVING DISGUSTING, OBTRUSIVE SUBJECTS.
NOVA: I bet your wife calls it "Her Little Phaser."
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 10: "Victoria's Secret Invasion."
N&V uncover Skrull prostitution ring. Skrull pimp's name is Sweet Daddy Green Guts.
VISION: THIS IS IMMORAL, SIR. THESE WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE BOUGHT AND SOLD AS IF THEY ARE COMMON GOODS.
SWEET DADDY GREEN GUTS: Whutchu know 'bout GOODZ!? Mah green LADIES gets me green DAILY!! SUPER-SKRULL PIMP-SLAP!!!!
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RANDOM SCENE:
NOVA: You took my donut! Admit it!
VISION: I AM A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED MECHANIZED UNIT POWERED BY SOLAR ENERGY. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH GLAZED, PUNCTURED DOUGH?
NOVA: I'm not dealing with this shit, man. If you think I'm gettin' fat, just say it!
VISION: IT IS VISUALLY OBVIOUS THAT SINCE JOINING THE POLICE FORCE, YOU HAVE GAINED A SIZABLE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AROUND YOUR MIDSECTION.
NOVA: There's nothin' to do but eat! You won't let me watch porn, I can't drink at lunch, you get mad when I stick magnets on your head...
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 11: "From Russia With Herpes."
N&V go to Moscow to find Black Widow, see why she's giving STDs to everyone she fights.
NOVA: That chick is HOT.
VISION: AGENT ROMANOFF IS A KNOWN CRIMINAL THAT MAY HAVE WILLINGLY INFECTED OVER 300 S.H.I.E.L.D. AGENTS WITH THE CLAP.
NOVA: I snuck 7 boxes of Trojans and 2 weeks worth of Zithromax past Customs. I'm ready for battle.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 12: "Soylent Blue."
N&V work with Namor to stop Starkist from making special navy-colored tuna out of Atlanteans.
NAMOR: This insult shall NOT stand! I will find this Charlie of the Tuna and WEAR HIS GILLS AS A THONG!!!!
VISION: KING NAMOR, PLEASE CALM YOURSELF. WE WILL SEE TO IT THAT THE EVIL STARKIST CORPORATION IS BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.
NOVA: Dude. You smell like a sushi dumpster in July.
VISION: NOVA, NAMOR IS THE RECOGNIZED KING OF A SOVEREIGN NATION. YOU WILL ADDRESS HIM WITH THE RESPECT HE DESERVES.
NOVA: I'm just sayin'. I dated his cousin. Atlanteans all got that stink a lil' Summer's Eve could take care of.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 13: "Suspended Japanamation."
N&V head to Tokyo to retrieve a naked Steve Rogers, who's been...overcultured.
VISION: COLONEL ROGERS, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT. CAN WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION AFTER YOUR HAVE...GIRDED YOUR LOINS?
STEVE: Piss off, Toaster Face! I've been 'roided up, frozen, thawed, killed, AND I had to appear in Maximum Security! I deserve some rest!
NOVA: Cap. Snap out of it, man. We caught you in a karaoke bar with 2 pandas, a life-size Harry S Truman doll, and 4 gallons of KY jelly.
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RANDOM SCENE:
VISION: THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME HERE, NOVA.
NOVA: Why're we on the roof? I was playing online poker.
VISION: I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN HAS BEEN SHRUNKEN, DOMED, AND MOVED TO COMPTON.
NOVA: Compton? Like Dr. Dre, Easy E, N.W.A. Compton?
VISION: AFFIRMATIVE. MY DATA CONCLUDES THAT THE VILLAIN BARRACUDA IS RESPONSIBLE.
NOVA: The Punisher villain guy? With the gold teeth?
VISION: I BELIEVE HE PLAYED DICE WITH THE COLLECTOR, USING DICE FASHIONED FROM COSMIC CUBES. BARRACUDA CAME UP SNAKE EYES.
NOVA: Why the hell would The Collector move Manhattan to Compton?
VISION: I AM TOLD HE IS A HUGE NATE DOGG FAN. THE COLLECTOR TOLD ME, "HEY-AY-AY-AY. SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY."
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RANDOM SCENE:
At some point, Nova & Vision will have to go on a stakeout & stay in the same shitty motel room. They can't play cards. Visions a computer.
Nova will get freaked out that Vision keeps taking his body parts off and greasing them.
Vision will get annoyed that Nova only eats cold Lo Mein and warm garlic pickles.
VISION: NOVA, YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR 45.32 MINUTES. WE ARE CHARGED WITH MONITORING A SUSPECT.
NOVA: I'm takin' care of my Human Rocket. Chill.
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RANDOM SCENE:
VISION: AWAKEN.
NOVA: zzzzmuh? whuz--gAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! The hell are you doing in my house!?!?
VISION: I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTRUSION. I WAS GOING TO PHASE THROUGH YOUR DOOR, BUT IT WAS ALREADY PROPPED OPEN BY A BOTTLE OF SCHNAPPS.
NOVA: What time is--it's FIVE THIRTY? In the MORNING!?!?
VISION: I COMPLETED THE PAPERWORK FOR TODAY'S ARRESTS, AND I THEORIZED THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY WE COULD...COMMISERATE.
NOVA: You...wanna hang?
VISION: MY WIFE SCARES ME. WHICH IS ODD, BECAUSE I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO KNOW FEAR.
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RANDOM SCENE:
VISION: NOVA, MIGHT I POSE A SERIES OF INQUIRIES, IF YOUR SCHEDULE ALLOWS.
NOVA: Sure, I'm just checkin' to see what hardcore porn sites're blocked at the precinct.
VISION: IT CONCERNS MY MATE, WANDA. THE ONE YOU REFER TO AS "CHICK WITH THEM CRAZY-ASS EYES."
NOVA: If you weren't all metal, I'd tell you to run, dude. She's got Lorena Bobbitt tendencies, no DOUBT.
VISION: YES. WELL. SHE HAS REQUESTED A RESPITE FROM THE NORMALCY OF OUR LIFE. SHE WOULD LIKE US TO GO CAMPING UPSTATE.
NOVA: You worried sleeping in a tent'll make you rust?
VISION: I AM PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH HER INTENSE DESIRE TO...HOW DID SHE PUT IT? "DO IT DELIVERANCE STYLE."
NOVA: Dude. Run. Away.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 14: "Avengers Gay Day."
N&V pose as a couple while answering bomb threat during Pride Parade.
NOVA: I'm not wearing that.
VISION: NOVA, WE MUST BLEND INTO OUR SURROUNDINGS. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM COMPLAINING AND GIRD YOURSELF IN FLAMINGO FEATHERS.
(LATER)
NOVA: Holy shit, this is awesome! I've been t'every Mardi Gras since I was 3, and this is like 50 times better!
VISION: NOVA! I AM DETECTING MULTIPLE BOMBS! THEY ARE STRAPPED TO EACH OF THE ETHEL MERMAN LINE DANCERS!
(LATER)
VISION: WELL, WE DISARMED THE BOMBS, ARRESTED THE CONSPIRATORS, AND DID NOT INTERFERE WITH THE PARADE. A SUCCESSFUL CASE.
NOVA: I still don't get why you dressed as Quicksilver for the Pride Parade.
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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 15: "Days of Future What The Fuck?"
N&V get pissed when future X-Men keep showing up.
NOVA: I swear t'God, if ONE MORE mutant comes through that portal...
JUBILEE: Hi, I'm from 12 years in the future, where all mutants have turned into ice cream! Gee, sure is hot in the past.
PSYLOCKE: How's it goin'. I'm from 27 years in the future, where all female mutants got sex changes but kept their boobs.
NOVA: Permission to shoot these ridiculous goddamn future mutants?
VISION: DENIED, NOVA. THESE ARE PERSECUTED PEOPLE SEEKING HARBOR IN OUR TIME. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT WE--
SCARLET WITCH: hI! i'M fRoM 7 mInUtEs In ThE fUtUrE, wHeRe WiVeS hOlLoW oUt ThEiR rObOt HuSbAnDs AnD wEaR tHeM tO tEa PaRtIeS!!!
VISION: OPEN FIRE.
