Sunday, May 23, 2010
THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!
You've got an incredibly well-known blue monster from Sesame Street that's dangerously obsessed with a dessert food. You've got a hilariously indecipherable cook from the Muppets. These two should have their own cooking show.
With that in mind, I wrote the intro (the beginning of the show where they do the credits and stuff) for THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING! Here you go...
Darkness. A door creaks open, a backlit silhouette of a portly man in a chef's hat descends down the basement steps. He's humming indecipherably, stops when he reaches the cage in the middle of the basement.
SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOKEY?
Small rustling of chains.
SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOOOOOOOOKY. OOP EN UUTUMM!
OFF-SCREEN GROWL: nurmnurmgowaynurm
The chef reaches into his apron, pulls a cookie out.
OFF-SCREEN GROWL: Grum?
SWEDISH CHEF: KOOKY FER DU KOOKY!
Music starts as Cookie Monster goes bonkers, breaks out of his chains, busts his handcuffs, bends the cage bars, chases after Swedish Chef (cookie still in hand) up the stairs...
COOKIE MONSTER: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!!!!!! NUMMYNUMMYNUMMY!!!
...through the green room (makeup people used to this throw makeup at both Chef & Cookie's faces)...
SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOKIE ROON OOFTER MER HELPEN!
...backstage (production people used to this slap velcro microphones on Chef & Cookie's chests)...
COOKIE MONSTER: GIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIIIVE!!!!
...and finally onto the set, a small Swedish kitchen mock-up with all of the ingredients & paraphernalia you need for a cooking show, with the noticeable difference that there are padlocks on a few jars labelled "COOKIES.' There's set people, directors, cameramen, etc, doing their jobs, unsurprised that their stars are arriving this way.
Chef stops, turns, shakily tries to hold the cookie out for Cookie Monster to take it.
SWEDISH CHEF: HUR DE TOOKEN DA-
COOKIE MONSTER: COOKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
SWEDISH CHEF: NUURRF!!!
Cookie Monster bangs into Chef, slamming them both on the ground behind the kitchen counter. Chef squirms uncomfortably as Cookie Monster inhales the cookie from Chef's hand.
COOKIE MONSTER: OM OM OM OM OM OM!
DIRECTOR: AND WE'RE ON IN FIVE...FOUR...THREE...
Cookie Monster bolts upright from behind the kitchen counter, smiles for the video camera. Chef slowly pulls himself up from the ground, covered in dirt and Cookie Monster slobber.
COOKIE MONSTER: WELCOME TO COOKIE MONSTER AN' DA SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!
SWEDISH CHEF: der poopen gurf.
Screen's filled with Graphic of Cookie Monster & Swedish Chef, smiling, both holding cooking utensils, big banner underneath them reading "THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!"