My Pre-Divorce Gala Celebration

Last year I had this insatiable urge to invite everyone I knew into the same room and make them pretend to be nice to me. So I found a pretty Indian girl, gave her a ring, convinced her that male-pattern baldness is something you can clear up (like a rash), and she agreed to be my wife.

For 11 months, we've put nearly everything on hold (friends, work, dental hygiene, breathing) to focus on the party you're supposed to have before you start discussing topics like "joint taxes" and "children" and "why can't you stop putting your clothes on the goddamn couch ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO THE HAMPER!?!?!?!?"

This kind of party is a "Wedding," or a "Pre-Divorce Gala Celebration."

There's a fun irony in asking all the people you like to come to something they'll hate.
"I get to put on uncomfortable clothes and stare at two people for five hours? Fantastic! Can I get guilted into bringing a gift?"

But I've always liked weddings. Everyone's happy to be there, or at least pretending they're not bored. Little kids dance without parents bugging them, parents dance while kids are bugging them, and old people dance while pretending their hips aren't bugging them. It's fun.

And the funnest thing you can do for your wedding? Follow these simple instructions:

1. Decide you're going to do a surprise hip-hop/Bollywood dance for your new wife.
2. Ask your groomsmen (specifically Marvel Senior Editor Mark Paniccia, Marvel Exclusive Writer Fred Van Lente, Frequent Marvel Artist Dennis Calero, Marvel Business Development Manager Tim Dillon, and Marvel Manager of Sales Communications Arune Singh) to dance with you.
3. Ask Marvel Assistant Editor Sana Amanat to choreograph for you.
4. Practice 3 times.
5. Have Pet Avengers writer Chris Eliopoulos tape it.
6. Serve right after you and wifey's first dance.



I'm the bald guy that comes in after Sugarhill Gang's Apache.