Sunday, June 27, 2010


I was born in 1981. Took me 29 years to gain 160 pounds.

Val Kilmer was in Top Gun in 1986. Took him 24 years to gain 580 pounds.

Poor Val Kilmer. Just because he's a horror on movie sets, he likes to live alone in huts, and he's just generally not a likable human being, we've now reached the point of having to watch this puffy version of him in stuff like MacGruber, and hear him as the voice of K.I.T.T. in the should've-been-cancelled-before-it-aired revamp of Knight Rider.

But let's not cry for Kilbo. Let's remember the good times:
-He was the absolute SHIT as Doc Holliday.
-He chomped ice exceedingly well in Top Gun.
-He got to be in a scene with Elizabeth Shue without her shirt on.

And so it is with exceeding love that I introduce the KILMER BATTLE BRACKET, where we determine which Kilmer is the best Kilmer. This is very much like that movie The One starring Jet Li (which I've not seen), where all sorts of Jet Li's go around killing other Jet Li's from other dimensions, to absorb their energy. Just imagine
a bunch of Val Kilmer's doing the same thing (though if the current Val wins, he won't try to absorb energy so much as just try to eat whomever he defeats. Because he's very hungry.)

At the beginning of every fight, you release both Val Kilmers 10 miles from each other, naked and unarmed. They've gotta find each other (they can pick up clothes and weapons on the way) and fight to the death.

I've picked my 16 favorite (and least favorite) Vals, and put them in 2 regions: Pre-1995 & Post-1995 (The year he was in Batman Forever and Heat. I consider this the last time Val had a "good" year). They're bracketed as follows. You guys vote ONE BATTLE AT A TIME (by posting a message), and I'll pick the winners based on number of votes (or if someone makes a REALLY compelling argument for an upset pick). LET THE MANY ASSKICKINGS OF VAL KILMERS BEGINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST FIGHT. From the Pre-1995 Region:

2) ICEMAN vs


  1. Jim Morrison vs. J.T. Barker: Barker sets out on a strange quest that could inevitibly lead him to defeat his opponent, but Morrison gets bored and kills himself. The win goes to Barker in injury time.

  2. I'm gonna say Iceman since I want Doc Holliday to take it all.

  3. I'm fairly sure that unless Iceman can find a fighter jet between his starting point and Batman, he doesn't stand much of a chance.

    Heck, I'm not even sure he stands a chance if he *does* find one.

  4. While Batman is Batman, and pobably the better trained fighter and strategist, I'm going to cast my vote for ICEMAN. 1) because Iceman would probably fight dirty. 2) because Batman's moral code prevents him from killing. And 3) because if we let Batman win now, what's to stop him from just winning the whole thing, simply because he's Batman. Since they both start unarmed, Iceman not only stands a chance, but also wins by ripping out Batman's juggular with his ice-chomping-man-jaw.

  5. Batman. He was the first Batman on film to use the actors own muscles. Also, he was the best part of a movie that tried so hard to be horrible.

  6. batman. the correct answer is always batman.