I DREW EVERY ASTRO CITY STORY IN ONE COMIC.

ZOMBIES VS. VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES VS. SEAMONSTERS VS. ROBOTS VS. ALIENS: Fuck the Fuckin' Dead Cow

Seven shots of tequila.

Debbie should've known better, but she and her friends were at the same bar as some dude's bachelor party--the members of which were all trying to get laid--so obviously the girls're gonna get offered shots. But Debbie doesn't fuck around when she drinks. So she found the chubby-chaser in the group and down went the seven Patrons. If only she hadn't had the chicken nachos beforehand, she wouldn't have needed to go to the bathroom to puke, then she wouldn't have been grabbed and thrown out into the alley behind the bar, and she wouldn't be laying on her back, gurgling tequila, stomach acid and chicken nacho bile.

"Oh. Oh my sweet darling. There's no need to cry. This will be over so soon."

The words didn't comfort Debbie in any meaningful way, mainly because they were spoken by the vampire crouched over her.

"You smell so delicious, my sweet. Do you know that? I'd wager that in the entirety of your life up to now, you've never been told how beautiful you are. Your neck, your veins, your girth. Your form makes me quiver."

She was totally terrified of his fangs and strength, but somewhere in the small portion of her mind that wasn't terrified, she couldn't help wondering why this evil, blood-sucking monster was talking like a...like a pussy.

"P-please dun eat, don't (huh) eat me! I won't tell, I'll-"

"Mmm. Your fear is decadent. A meal is so much the more appreciated when it squirms and struggles for its life. I can remember the first time I-"

The vampire's fey reminiscing was interrupted by the dull THUD of the bar's back door slamming open. Out stumbled a guy in jeans and a "Fuck Condoms" t-shirt. He puked roughly eight pounds of beer and blood before falling on his knees and gasping for air. Then he looked at Debbie and the vampire.

"uhGUDDAMMIT," he burped.

"It would be best for you to return inside, my friend," the vampire atop Debbie said.

"Motherfucker, get the fuck off her. Go fuckin' suck fuckin' cow blood."

"I'm...sorry?"

The guy struggled to his feet. "Take. Your lady boots. And your gay-ass leather jacket. And fuckin' march to the pasture. And suck cow blood. Then fuckin' fuck the fuckin' dead cow if you fuckin' feel like it."

"I'm only feeling peckish, good man," the vampire said, "This heavy young lass is plenty to sate me. But I'm willing to gorge myself if you continue to pester."

The drunk guy spat more blood, then noticed he'd gotten a little vomit gravy on his "Fuck Condoms" t-shirt.

"Awww. Son of a fuck."

The vampire felt as though he wasn't being taken seriously. NOTHING makes a vampire more upset than when you don't take them seriously (they're very sensitive). So he got off Debbie and slowwwwly crept towards the guy, teeth brandished, fingernails at the ready.

The guy, REALLY GODDAMN FUCKING PISSED that his favorite shirt had shit on it, looked up and saw the vampire doing his whole Interpretive-Dancer-Pretending-To-Be-A-Hungry-Wolf thing that vampires do. He rolled his eyes.

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

BLAM

Bullets don't kill vampires, which the guy knew. But bullets distract vampires. So the guy had brandished his gun ("Ass-Cutter") and put nine holes in the vampire while moving towards him. By Bullet #9, he was close enough to grab the vampire, break its arm, and throw it against the wall. The guy didn't have a stake or a blade, so he laid the vampire on its back and began the tedious process of stomping the vampire's neck until its head came off. This took about 90 seconds (he was wearing Asics, not the sharpest of shoes).

Vampire head finally separated from vampire body, the guy stepped back, out of breath. He put two cigarettes in his mouth and lit them. He looked down at his newly-bloodied shoes and got pissed again.

"You good?" he asked Debbie.

Debbie was just finishing a dry heave. She'd made the mistake of watching the neck-stomping episode, which she would NEVER forget for the rest of her life.

"Thang you. Thang you fer safing me."

"All good."

"Waz that like a real vampirr? Like a rill one?"

"Yeah."

The guy would've taken advantage of the situation and had sex with Debbie, but he was still pissed about his shirt and shoes. He just wanted a drink.

"I'm getting a beer. You want anything?"

"Shudn't I call cops?"

"Fuck no."

"I thing I should call thum."

The guy threw the cigarette butts on the ground.

"Fine. Fuck. Yeah, fine. You're probably gonna need therapy or something. Give 'em a call."

The guy walked towards the end of the alley, thinking of where else he could get a beer.

"Who're yu? Like, d'yu wan me to tell them about yu?"

"No."

"Can yu tell me who yu arr?"

He looked Debbie up and down, considering the whole Sex-Because-I-Saved-Her thing again. But that's the 6th-worst kind of sex. Not worth it.

"Like I won' tell thu cops. I just wana know. Like how yu knew how t'like kill a vampirr?" she said.

Neville lit two more cigarettes.

"Because I'm a fucking vampire."

Three hours later, Neville ordered a new "Fuck Condoms" t-shirt online.

I DREW EVERY ______ STORY IN ONE COMIC.

Meetings. They are not fun. Even if you work in comics.

So during meetings, I draw really ugly cartoons, making fun of comics. These are I DREW EVERY ______ STORY IN ONE COMIC comics. I make ignorant generalizations about characters (either because I love them or can't stand them) and then draw them. Badly.

Enjoy.

daredevil

captain america

banshee

dr. strange

bucky

iron man

wolverine

iron fist

batman

nick fury

thor

sentry

scarlet witch

hawkeye

professor x

nightcrawler

VAL KILMER BATTLE BRACKET

I was born in 1981. Took me 29 years to gain 160 pounds.

Val Kilmer was in Top Gun in 1986. Took him 24 years to gain 580 pounds.

Poor Val Kilmer. Just because he's a horror on movie sets, he likes to live alone in huts, and he's just generally not a likable human being, we've now reached the point of having to watch this puffy version of him in stuff like MacGruber, and hear him as the voice of K.I.T.T. in the should've-been-cancelled-before-it-aired revamp of Knight Rider.

But let's not cry for Kilbo. Let's remember the good times:

-He was the absolute SHIT as Doc Holliday.

-He chomped ice exceedingly well in Top Gun.

-He got to be in a scene with Elizabeth Shue without her shirt on.

And so it is with exceeding love that I introduce the KILMER BATTLE BRACKET, where we determine which Kilmer is the best Kilmer. This is very much like that movie The One starring Jet Li (which I've not seen), where all sorts of Jet Li's go around killing other Jet Li's from other dimensions, to absorb their energy. Just imagine

a bunch of Val Kilmer's doing the same thing (though if the current Val wins, he won't try to absorb energy so much as just try to eat whomever he defeats. Because he's very hungry.)

HERE ARE THE RULES:
At the beginning of every fight, you release both Val Kilmers 10 miles from each other, naked and unarmed. They've gotta find each other (they can pick up clothes and weapons on the way) and fight to the death.

I've picked my 16 favorite (and least favorite) Vals, and put them in 2 regions: Pre-1995 & Post-1995 (The year he was in Batman Forever and Heat. I consider this the last time Val had a "good" year). They're bracketed as follows. You guys vote ONE BATTLE AT A TIME (by posting a message), and I'll pick the winners based on number of votes (or if someone makes a REALLY compelling argument for an upset pick). LET THE MANY ASSKICKINGS OF VAL KILMERS BEGINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST FIGHT. From the Pre-1995 Region:

2) ICEMAN vs 7) BATMAN

MAMA D & JAKE THE FAKE DOG

I don’t sleep well. Ever. I can count on one finger the times I’ve closed my eyes and gone unconscious with ease. It was a problem for a long while, ‘til someone with the same problem suggested I do crosswords in bed. Crosswords keep my mind focused, releasing the day’s struggles with each Down and Across, helping me to surrender to the bed. My grandmother told me about crosswords. She taught me how to sleep.

Her name was Marion Dampeer. Her grandkids called her Mama D. She was the mother hen of my mom’s side of the family, inviting every relative to her house for every holiday (even if the house’s square footage didn’t always allow the amount of bodies she attempted to squeeze in). She added sugar to nearly everything she cooked and a smile to everything she said. She was the sweetest person I have ever known.

Mama D died on June 14^th. Her body wasn’t able to take the chemotherapy she’d been receiving for her inoperable pancreatic cancer. But in the months before she left, before she was too weak to take care of herself, it would’ve been hard to notice that she was fighting for her life. Her smile and laugh were the only thing that the god-awful chemo couldn’t touch. It wasn’t like she was trying to hide her anger or fear; I honestly think she didn’t know how to be a negative person.

I flew back home to Columbus, Mississippi to be with my family this past week. I’d lost my other grandmother (Mama C) around the same time last year, so I knew my job at this kind of thing was to not cry while others in my family cried. We stayed upbeat by telling funny stories about Mama D, like how she’d get angry when my granddad would eat full tubs of Cool Whip (which he still does).

We buried Mama D on June 16^th, my parents’ 31^st wedding anniversary. The funeral home was full of elaborate flower wreaths and bouquets sent from loved ones, but the coffin, Mama D’s coffin, just had a single yellow rose wrapped in silver paper with a white ribbon. Simple, pretty, perfect. Like Mama D.

Right before visitation, my Great-Aunt Bettie Jane said she wanted the rose to be taken out of the paper, so I unwrapped the rose and carefully placed it back on the coffin, pocketing the ribbon. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the ribbon, I just know I need to keep it.

I’m on the plane back to New York as I write this, alone and crying for the first time since she died (whatever, I’m a wuss). And I’m remembering what my mom asked the pastor to say at Mama D’s eulogy: When we were little, Mama D would tell the grandkids cat stories before we went to sleep. The stories were simple, never anything too scary or upsetting, just pleasant little yarns to end the day. To help us sleep.

And so even though I’m not very fond of cats…this one’s for you, Mama D.

I love you. I miss you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAKE THE FAKE DOG

by Nathan Cosby

Buttons hated her name. Buttons. What were her humans thinking?

Bad enough she lived in a little house with three humans. Bad enough she had to pee in a box everyday, never being allowed outside. And bad enough that she had to deal with that dadgum dog all the time. On top of all this, every time someone saw her, she had to hear the name Buttons, and know the name was hers.

That’s why Buttons didn’t really see any downside to her escape plan. Best-Case Scenario: Freedom! Worst-Case Scenario: Stay Here With That Dog! There really wasn’t any controversy going on in Buttons’ tiny cat mind.

So Buttons woke up that morning before everyone, before the baby started crying, before the big humans yawned and made their hot black wake juice. She went downstairs and peed in her stupid box (This is the last time, she thought). She went behind the fridge and ate the extra cat food she’d hid yesterday. And then she quietly crept under the couch near the sliding door that led to the unfenced backyard. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And thought.

Wonder what my new owners will name me. Something more respectful. Teresa? Nah. Yolanda! That’s totally sophisticated. I kind of look like a Yolanda. Maybe if I-

“Whatcha doing?”

Buttons’ head slammed into the bottom of the couch, nearly giving her a cat concussion. It was that dang dog.

“Ooh, did that hurt?” the dang dog said.

“Hush! I’m in the middle of an elaborate escape plan!” Buttons hissed.

“Neat! Can I come?”

“Can you—the humans let you out five times a day! You could escape whenever you want!”

“Why would I try to leave? The humans give me food and bones and water and treats and rub my belly and clean my ears and let me run outside and dress me up for Halloween and give me table scraps and—“

“They do that for you,” Buttons said, “They make me stay inside all the time and eat the same nasty wet kitty food everyday.”

“But…you’re a cat. That’s what cats do.”

“Maybe I’m ready to be a cat on my own terms. There’s a whole big world out there, just waiting for me to grab it by the paws and shake the life out of it, like a farm mouse!”

The dog thought about this. “So, you’re leaving?”

“Yes,” Buttons said in that way that she said things to the dog when she knew the dog was trying hard to understand the simplest stuff in the world.

“For good?”

“For good. Get away from the couch, I’ve got to surprise the humans when they open the door for you.”

The dog walked over to the recliner on the other side of the room, jumped up on it, circled twice, sat, and gave a satisfied PHWMPH. He stared at Buttons.

“Can I ask a question, please?” the dog said politely.

“Go ahead.”

“If you’re angry at the humans because they treat you like a cat…then why do you think your new owners will treat you any different? The humans will have changed, but you’ll still be a cat.”

“Grah, you stupid dog, because I…I…”

Oh no, Buttons thought, the dadgum dog just made sense.

“I…I…”

“Why don’t you just act like a dog?” the dog offered.

“A what!?”

“It’s easy. Just start biting everything and eating your food real fast and sticking your tongue out when you see humans and pee on the rug. They’ll treat you like a dog.”

Buttons considered this. Such a simple plan…but would it work? And could Buttons live with herself after going against the Cat Code established so many centuries ago, which expressly forbade cats from acting loveable and nice?

“Believe me, Buttons. The first time you beg for food at the table and they give you a french fry, it’ll all be worth it.”

Buttons cringed at hearing her name, but knew the dog might be right. And she’d always wanted to try a fry that’d been frenched.

“Would you…help me? With trying to be a dog?” Buttons asked.

“No sweat,” the dog said as he licked his butt.

“Ok. Then I’ll stay for a while, Buttons said. “But can you call me something different? I really hate being called Buttons.”

“Totally! You need a dog name. How about Jake?”

“Jake? That's not a girl name.”

“Who cares? Humans can’t tell what we are unless they look up under us.”

The dog leapt off the recliner, stuck out his paw and said, “Welcome to the dogs, Jake.”

Jake the Fake Dog stuck out her paw and shook the dadgum dog’s paw.

“Nice to be here.”

The End

A Wedding Gift From Barry Kitson

(Be Warned: The following is fairly unironic and even kinda sweet in places.)

In 1998, I wasn't reading a lot of comics. My monthly list was down to Robin, Impulse, JLA and Nightwing. Untold Tales of Spider-Man was cancelled the year before, so there were no Marvel books for me to read.

But my favorite comic that year was JLA: YEAR ONE. Mark Waid and Barry Kitson made a 12-issue masterpiece starring the "original" team of Justice Leaguers (Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Black Canary, Flash & Aquaman). Waid didn't just heap a pile of fightyness on us; he showed the insecurities, failures, and differences between all these people that came together to try to do some good in the world.

I emphasize differences, because my favorite aspect of the series, and my favorite part of Mr. Waid's work in general, is the layers of interesting personality tics and quirks he gives to each of his characters. In Ruse, there was Simon Archard, the genius mystery solver that refused to learn any language but his beloved English. In Fantastic Four, Reed Richards has such guilt over exposing his family to radiation that he dedicates his life (without telling them) to ensuring that the public love and trust them. In JLA: Year One, my favorite character was Aquaman. He was a congenial king of the seas, a fish out of water, trying to do good for a part of the world he was unfamiliar with (that being the part of the world not covered in ocean).

How unfamiliar? When Aquaman spoke, no one could hear him; he was used to the ocean currents carrying his voice further than air could. His hushed voice emphasized how out of touch Aquaman was with the the surface world. He was an earthling, but on land he was as alien as Martian Manhunter.

The best example of this, and my favorite page of this great series, is in Issue 2, Page 3. Aquaman sits on a dock (not on land, not on water), teaching himself to read with a kid's picture book. As he frustratingly makes his way through the stupid English language, Manhunter flies down to commiserate with his teammate, and impart a helpful tidbit. In one page, Waid and Kitson have crystalized the greatest parts of the American dream (a bunch of people from all sorts of different places, trying to get along in a new land and live together), teamwork, friendship and heroism. This isn't a manufactured scene forced between fight sequences to tell readers "Ooh look, they're people just like us! And they're happy to be helping us!" It's a natural, unrushed moment between good people that're unfamiliar with their surroundings, but determined to make a difference.

All that typing up above was a long-ass way of thanking my friend Barry Kitson for giving me the original artwork to JLA: Year One #2, Page 3. I talk to Barry about this page all the time (I'm sure he's tired of me bringing up a non-fighting page he drew 12 years ago), and I'm honored that the artist of my favorite page from one of my favorite comics would give me the greatest wedding gift a punk-ass Mississippi boy could ever ask for.

So Mr. Waid, thanks for writing such a great page for Barry to draw. And Barry, thanks for your friendship, kindness, and for giving me the first piece of comic art I'm going to have framed and proudly display on my wall.

ZOMBIES VS. VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES VS. SEAMONSTERS VS. ROBOTS VS. ALIENS

Let me know what you think...

ZOMBIES VS. VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES

VS. SEAMONSTERS VS. ROBOTS VS. ALIENS

PROLOGUE

Steve tried to scratch his right hand. Unfortunately, his left hand was on the other side of the room, so scratching would have to wait.

“Hello,” Steve said, then heard as an echo reverberating around the large, completely darkened space he was laying in. Was Alicia in here? She’d been with him before he’d…what? What the hell had happened? Where was he? Man, being a zombie makes it hard to think about stuff. (“Stuff” being any thought outside of “BRAINS!” and “GET BRAINS!” and “THOSE BRAINS WERE GOOD. MORE BRAINS!”)

Steve felt around the ground with his one attached hand, trying to figure out if Alicia’s dead body was anywhere near him. He didn’t want her to be dead—he loved her, after all—but if she was dead, and she was around…waste not want not. As he ran his fingers across the soft floor, he realized all of his remaining fingers were broken. He made a mental reminder to tape tongue depressors to his digits once he found his way out of there.

“There’s nothing around you,” a voice from the darkness said, startling Steve enough that he fell on his face and knocked two more teeth out.

“How…d’you know?” Steve asked the darkness.

“I can see in the dark. The next closest guy to you is ten yards away.”

“Oh. Um…who’re you?”

“Neville.”

“Are you…did you kidnap me?”

“No. I got captured and put here. You were here before me.”

“Is this like a…concentration camp?”

“What?”

“For zombies. Like is this where they take us and kill all of us?”

“I’m not a zombie, dipshit. I’m a fucking vampire.”

Steve got a shiver down his spine (the shiver took a while to make it all the way down, because Steve’s spine was broken in at least seven places).

“Please…please don’t kill me.”

“You’re fucking dead, asshole.”

“Yeah, but I…you could suck my blood, couldn’t you?”

“Zombie blood tastes like a septic tank. Even if I sucked your blood, you wouldn’t get any deader than you alrea—goddammit, you fucking zombies are stupid.”

“Sorry, I’m not used to being…I didn’t realize vampires were real. I didn’t know zombies were real either ‘til three days ago, so I shouldn’t be real shocked or nothin’.”

“Just shut the fuck up until I figure out how to get out of here.”

“Can I help?”

“Fuck no.”

“Oh. Then…do you know where my hand is?”

Steve heard a few splashing steps, then silence for a second, then felt a limp hand hit him in the face and land in front of him.

“Thanks,” Steve said as he attached his left hand back to his wrist.

“Please shut the fuck up.”

As he sat quietly in his puddle and listened to more splashes (he assumed “Neville” was looking for a door), Steve thought to himself: Wonder where we BRAINS are. I was BRAINS walking, then I saw BRAINS that light BRAINS and Alicia screamed (wait she was already BRAINSBRAINS screaming before that) then…hey BRAINS wait! I BRAINS have a lighter!

Steve fiddled in his left pocket with his still-tingly-and-not-quite-totally-attached left hand. He pulled out his lighter, then realized none of his fingers were capable of turning on said lighter. So he used his remaining teeth to gnash against the button and turn on the flame. Jazzed by his own resourcefulness, Steve mashed his broken fingers onto the lighter button, smiled, and looked around.

Then he stopped smiling.

And you can’t really blame him, because if you saw a werewolf licking his own bleeding leg while sitting next to a seven-armed blue alien that was secreting glowing mucus, and if it suddenly dawned on you that the “room” you were in looked an awful lot like the inside of a stomach…would you smile?

END OF

ZOMBIES VS. VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES

VS. SEAMONSTERS VS. ROBOTS VS. ALIENS

PROLOGUE

Help Me Help Her

There are approximately 50,000,000,000,000,000 pictures from my wedding. My wife has shown me ALL OF THEM.

To the 150 or so people that were there: Please stop sending her pictures. She'll make me look at them, then I'll have to agree that whoever's in the picture looked beautiful, that her dress was beautiful, that I looked beautiful, that it was a great wedding, that everyone that attended the wedding is currently comatose due to O.P.W. (Orgasmically Perfect Weddingitis) then we'll repeat this dance into infinity.

This one's pretty cute though.

My Pre-Divorce Gala Celebration

Last year I had this insatiable urge to invite everyone I knew into the same room and make them pretend to be nice to me. So I found a pretty Indian girl, gave her a ring, convinced her that male-pattern baldness is something you can clear up (like a rash), and she agreed to be my wife.

For 11 months, we've put nearly everything on hold (friends, work, dental hygiene, breathing) to focus on the party you're supposed to have before you start discussing topics like "joint taxes" and "children" and "why can't you stop putting your clothes on the goddamn couch ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO THE HAMPER!?!?!?!?"

This kind of party is a "Wedding," or a "Pre-Divorce Gala Celebration."

There's a fun irony in asking all the people you like to come to something they'll hate.
"I get to put on uncomfortable clothes and stare at two people for five hours? Fantastic! Can I get guilted into bringing a gift?"

But I've always liked weddings. Everyone's happy to be there, or at least pretending they're not bored. Little kids dance without parents bugging them, parents dance while kids are bugging them, and old people dance while pretending their hips aren't bugging them. It's fun.

And the funnest thing you can do for your wedding? Follow these simple instructions:

1. Decide you're going to do a surprise hip-hop/Bollywood dance for your new wife.
2. Ask your groomsmen (specifically Marvel Senior Editor Mark Paniccia, Marvel Exclusive Writer Fred Van Lente, Frequent Marvel Artist Dennis Calero, Marvel Business Development Manager Tim Dillon, and Marvel Manager of Sales Communications Arune Singh) to dance with you.
3. Ask Marvel Assistant Editor Sana Amanat to choreograph for you.
4. Practice 3 times.
5. Have Pet Avengers writer Chris Eliopoulos tape it.
6. Serve right after you and wifey's first dance.



I'm the bald guy that comes in after Sugarhill Gang's Apache.

STAY FOCUSED!!!

There are a lot of pressures and distractions in the comic book industry. You've got to be able to remain intently focused on what's most important.

That's why, no matter what, I stay focused on doodling when I get bored.

For instance, here's a picture of Daffy I drew a minute ago.




And here's a drunk elephant.



Remember, kids. Don't EVER get distracted from not paying attention to what's going on around you.

Baby Daffums

For those of you that don't know, I have an English Bulldog. Daffodil Cosby. She's right at three and a half months now, and she has changed my life for the best.

Y'know how you have that one special person in your life, that incredible individual that makes your life complete, and no matter what, they'll always be there for you?

You do?

Who the hell cares? They'll never be as cute as my puppy.

--Nate

THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!

You've got an incredibly well-known blue monster from Sesame Street that's dangerously obsessed with a dessert food. You've got a hilariously indecipherable cook from the Muppets. These two should have their own cooking show.

With that in mind, I wrote the intro (the beginning of the show where they do the credits and stuff) for THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING! Here you go...

OPENING SEQUENCE:

Darkness. A door creaks open, a backlit silhouette of a portly man in a chef's hat descends down the basement steps. He's humming indecipherably, stops when he reaches the cage in the middle of the basement.

SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOKEY?

Small rustling of chains.

SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOOOOOOOOKY. OOP EN UUTUMM!

OFF-SCREEN GROWL: nurmnurmgowaynurm

The chef reaches into his apron, pulls a cookie out.

OFF-SCREEN GROWL: Grum?

SWEDISH CHEF: KOOKY FER DU KOOKY!

Music starts as Cookie Monster goes bonkers, breaks out of his chains, busts his handcuffs, bends the cage bars, chases after Swedish Chef (cookie still in hand) up the stairs...

COOKIE MONSTER: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!!!!!! NUMMYNUMMYNUMMY!!!

...through the green room (makeup people used to this throw makeup at both Chef & Cookie's faces)...

SWEDISH CHEF: DER KOOKIE ROON OOFTER MER HELPEN!

...backstage (production people used to this slap velcro microphones on Chef & Cookie's chests)...

COOKIE MONSTER: GIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIVECOOKIEGIIIVE!!!!

...and finally onto the set, a small Swedish kitchen mock-up with all of the ingredients & paraphernalia you need for a cooking show, with the noticeable difference that there are padlocks on a few jars labelled "COOKIES.' There's set people, directors, cameramen, etc, doing their jobs, unsurprised that their stars are arriving this way.

Chef stops, turns, shakily tries to hold the cookie out for Cookie Monster to take it.

SWEDISH CHEF: HUR DE TOOKEN DA-

COOKIE MONSTER: COOKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

SWEDISH CHEF: NUURRF!!!

Cookie Monster bangs into Chef, slamming them both on the ground behind the kitchen counter. Chef squirms uncomfortably as Cookie Monster inhales the cookie from Chef's hand.

COOKIE MONSTER: OM OM OM OM OM OM!

DIRECTOR: AND WE'RE ON IN FIVE...FOUR...THREE...

Cookie Monster bolts upright from behind the kitchen counter, smiles for the video camera. Chef slowly pulls himself up from the ground, covered in dirt and Cookie Monster slobber.

COOKIE MONSTER: WELCOME TO COOKIE MONSTER AN' DA SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!

SWEDISH CHEF: der poopen gurf.

Screen's filled with Graphic of Cookie Monster & Swedish Chef, smiling, both holding cooking utensils, big banner underneath them reading "THE COOKIE MONSTER & THE SWEDISH CHEF SHOW ABOUT COOKING!"

Show starts.

NOVA & THE VISION. THEY'RE COPS.

'Sup.

It's 10pm and I had coffee and a Clif bar. Ready to go run.

Before I do, figured I'd collect all my NOVA & THE VISION Episodes in order, in case you don't wanna go through all my tweets (@NateCosboom) and read them bottom to top.

So here ya go:

ORIGIN:

So see, Nova's been kicked out of the Nova Corps (for drinking), but they let him keep his powers (cuz it'd be expensive to remove them).

He needs a gig. Night Thrasher pulls some strings and gets him a low-level detective job in lower Manhattan.

The Chief figures, "What the hell, Nova's not really a cop, Vision creeps the other cops out...I'll make 'em partners."

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COMIC STRIPS:

NOVA & THE VISION AS COPS

http://twitpic.com/1lch62

NOVA & THE VISION INTERROGATE GAMBIT

http://twitpic.com/1luqky

NOVA & THE VISION ARREST NAMOR

http://twitpic.com/1phm4j

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NOVA & THE VISION, Ep. 1: "HUMAN ROCKET/HARASSING ROBOT."

Rookie Nova's has to team with grizzled android cop, busts Fin Fang Foom drug ring.

VISION: WE MUST INSPECT THE PREMISES FOR INFORMATION.

NOVA: HANG ON, I GOTSTA TWEET WHERE WE ARE.

VISION: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SHOW SUCH AN OBSESSION TOWARDS YOUR BLACKBERRY.

NOVA: 'COURSE YOU DON'T FRIGGIN' UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE AN iPAD WITH A CAPE.

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NOVA & THE VISION, Ep. 2: "GOD, I'M HUNGRY."

N & V find a ton of body parts with Asgardian fingerprints on 'em. Has Volstagg gone cannibal?

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep. 3: "Shaw's Shank Redemption."

N&V investigate dinner party murder at Hellfire Club. Nova has to put on a tie.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep. 4: "I Can See Vision's Mouth Moving."

N&V go undercover at Star Search, compete against barbershop quartet of Blackbolt, Siryn, Banshee, Screaming Mimi.

And yes, for their Star Search performance, Nova & Vision will do a ventriloquist/dummy act.

NOVA: Vision! Blackbolt's coming! Quick, phase your butt so I can put my hand up there!

VISION: I DESPISE YOU.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 5: "Hexual Healing."

V's wife insists N come to their house for dinner. N can't help noticing V's wife's batshit nuts.

NOVA: Uh, hey Vision. Thanks for having me over. I brought a box of wine.

VISION: HOW THOUGHTFUL.

WANDA: hI nOvA! cOmE mEeT oUr BaBiEs!

NOVA: Uh...those're bags of flour with Mr. Potato Head eyes.

VISION: JUST GO WITH IT, NOVA.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 6: "The Man Without Beer."

Daredevil makes Hells Kitchen dry. N&V gotta take that boring Catholic dude down.

VISION: MR. MURDOCK, IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO RESTRICT AN ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD FROM CONSUMING ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

DAREDEVIL: You just don't get it! I'm so mad, I just wanna go have sex with some woman, then feel guilty when somebody kills her!

NOVA: Dude. You need a drink.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 7: "Friendly Neighborhood Satan."

Mephisto's convincing women he can save their almost dead relatives...if they erase their marriages and start tricking for him. Watch out N&V, Daddy Mephisto's Pimp Hand is STRONG.

NOVA: Hey V, have you noticed a disproportionate amount of ho's around here recently?

VISION: OH DEAR. I FEAR DADDY MEPHISTO'S PIMP CANE HAS TAPPED ITS WAY BACK INTO MY JURISDICTION.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 8: "Fantastic Foursome."

Franklin Richards calls 911 after hearing awful noises coming from Unca Johnny's room.

NOVA: Mr. Storm? (knockknock) Yo dude, turn the reggae down and open the door!

HUMAN TORCH: Whuz-? Oh shiz, whuttup? C'mn in, we gots yegger...

VISION: MR. STORM, PLEASE DISMOUNT FROM THE ZEBRA AND STEP OUTSIDE. YOU TOO, LYRA, CRYSTAL & H.E.R.B.I.E.

H.E.R.B.I.E.: YO PO-PO. BZZT. WHY YOU GOTS TO HATE. BZRT. WE JUST GETTING OUR SWERVE ON. BZZT.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 9: "Is The Vision Packing?"

On the trail of a sex offender, Nova wonders if Vision was built with...boy parts.

VISION: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, NOVA.

NOVA: C'mon, just tell me and I'll drop it.

VISION: YOU ARE A CHILD INCAPABLE OF THOUGHTS NOT INVOLVING DISGUSTING, OBTRUSIVE SUBJECTS.

NOVA: I bet your wife calls it "Her Little Phaser."

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 10: "Victoria's Secret Invasion."

N&V uncover Skrull prostitution ring. Skrull pimp's name is Sweet Daddy Green Guts.

VISION: THIS IS IMMORAL, SIR. THESE WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE BOUGHT AND SOLD AS IF THEY ARE COMMON GOODS.

SWEET DADDY GREEN GUTS: Whutchu know 'bout GOODZ!? Mah green LADIES gets me green DAILY!! SUPER-SKRULL PIMP-SLAP!!!!

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RANDOM SCENE:

NOVA: You took my donut! Admit it!

VISION: I AM A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED MECHANIZED UNIT POWERED BY SOLAR ENERGY. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH GLAZED, PUNCTURED DOUGH?

NOVA: I'm not dealing with this shit, man. If you think I'm gettin' fat, just say it!

VISION: IT IS VISUALLY OBVIOUS THAT SINCE JOINING THE POLICE FORCE, YOU HAVE GAINED A SIZABLE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AROUND YOUR MIDSECTION.

NOVA: There's nothin' to do but eat! You won't let me watch porn, I can't drink at lunch, you get mad when I stick magnets on your head...

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 11: "From Russia With Herpes."

N&V go to Moscow to find Black Widow, see why she's giving STDs to everyone she fights.

NOVA: That chick is HOT.

VISION: AGENT ROMANOFF IS A KNOWN CRIMINAL THAT MAY HAVE WILLINGLY INFECTED OVER 300 S.H.I.E.L.D. AGENTS WITH THE CLAP.

NOVA: I snuck 7 boxes of Trojans and 2 weeks worth of Zithromax past Customs. I'm ready for battle.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 12: "Soylent Blue."

N&V work with Namor to stop Starkist from making special navy-colored tuna out of Atlanteans.

NAMOR: This insult shall NOT stand! I will find this Charlie of the Tuna and WEAR HIS GILLS AS A THONG!!!!

VISION: KING NAMOR, PLEASE CALM YOURSELF. WE WILL SEE TO IT THAT THE EVIL STARKIST CORPORATION IS BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.

NOVA: Dude. You smell like a sushi dumpster in July.

VISION: NOVA, NAMOR IS THE RECOGNIZED KING OF A SOVEREIGN NATION. YOU WILL ADDRESS HIM WITH THE RESPECT HE DESERVES.

NOVA: I'm just sayin'. I dated his cousin. Atlanteans all got that stink a lil' Summer's Eve could take care of.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 13: "Suspended Japanamation."

N&V head to Tokyo to retrieve a naked Steve Rogers, who's been...overcultured.

VISION: COLONEL ROGERS, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT. CAN WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION AFTER YOUR HAVE...GIRDED YOUR LOINS?

STEVE: Piss off, Toaster Face! I've been 'roided up, frozen, thawed, killed, AND I had to appear in Maximum Security! I deserve some rest!

NOVA: Cap. Snap out of it, man. We caught you in a karaoke bar with 2 pandas, a life-size Harry S Truman doll, and 4 gallons of KY jelly.

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RANDOM SCENE:

VISION: THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME HERE, NOVA.

NOVA: Why're we on the roof? I was playing online poker.

VISION: I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN HAS BEEN SHRUNKEN, DOMED, AND MOVED TO COMPTON.

NOVA: Compton? Like Dr. Dre, Easy E, N.W.A. Compton?

VISION: AFFIRMATIVE. MY DATA CONCLUDES THAT THE VILLAIN BARRACUDA IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOVA: The Punisher villain guy? With the gold teeth?

VISION: I BELIEVE HE PLAYED DICE WITH THE COLLECTOR, USING DICE FASHIONED FROM COSMIC CUBES. BARRACUDA CAME UP SNAKE EYES.

NOVA: Why the hell would The Collector move Manhattan to Compton?

VISION: I AM TOLD HE IS A HUGE NATE DOGG FAN. THE COLLECTOR TOLD ME, "HEY-AY-AY-AY. SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY."

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RANDOM SCENE:

At some point, Nova & Vision will have to go on a stakeout & stay in the same shitty motel room. They can't play cards. Visions a computer.

Nova will get freaked out that Vision keeps taking his body parts off and greasing them.

Vision will get annoyed that Nova only eats cold Lo Mein and warm garlic pickles.

VISION: NOVA, YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR 45.32 MINUTES. WE ARE CHARGED WITH MONITORING A SUSPECT.

NOVA: I'm takin' care of my Human Rocket. Chill.

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RANDOM SCENE:

VISION: AWAKEN.

NOVA: zzzzmuh? whuz--gAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! The hell are you doing in my house!?!?

VISION: I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTRUSION. I WAS GOING TO PHASE THROUGH YOUR DOOR, BUT IT WAS ALREADY PROPPED OPEN BY A BOTTLE OF SCHNAPPS.

NOVA: What time is--it's FIVE THIRTY? In the MORNING!?!?

VISION: I COMPLETED THE PAPERWORK FOR TODAY'S ARRESTS, AND I THEORIZED THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY WE COULD...COMMISERATE.

NOVA: You...wanna hang?

VISION: MY WIFE SCARES ME. WHICH IS ODD, BECAUSE I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO KNOW FEAR.

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RANDOM SCENE:

VISION: NOVA, MIGHT I POSE A SERIES OF INQUIRIES, IF YOUR SCHEDULE ALLOWS.

NOVA: Sure, I'm just checkin' to see what hardcore porn sites're blocked at the precinct.

VISION: IT CONCERNS MY MATE, WANDA. THE ONE YOU REFER TO AS "CHICK WITH THEM CRAZY-ASS EYES."

NOVA: If you weren't all metal, I'd tell you to run, dude. She's got Lorena Bobbitt tendencies, no DOUBT.

VISION: YES. WELL. SHE HAS REQUESTED A RESPITE FROM THE NORMALCY OF OUR LIFE. SHE WOULD LIKE US TO GO CAMPING UPSTATE.

NOVA: You worried sleeping in a tent'll make you rust?

VISION: I AM PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH HER INTENSE DESIRE TO...HOW DID SHE PUT IT? "DO IT DELIVERANCE STYLE."

NOVA: Dude. Run. Away.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 14: "Avengers Gay Day."

N&V pose as a couple while answering bomb threat during Pride Parade.

NOVA: I'm not wearing that.

VISION: NOVA, WE MUST BLEND INTO OUR SURROUNDINGS. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM COMPLAINING AND GIRD YOURSELF IN FLAMINGO FEATHERS.

(LATER)

NOVA: Holy shit, this is awesome! I've been t'every Mardi Gras since I was 3, and this is like 50 times better!

VISION: NOVA! I AM DETECTING MULTIPLE BOMBS! THEY ARE STRAPPED TO EACH OF THE ETHEL MERMAN LINE DANCERS!

(LATER)

VISION: WELL, WE DISARMED THE BOMBS, ARRESTED THE CONSPIRATORS, AND DID NOT INTERFERE WITH THE PARADE. A SUCCESSFUL CASE.

NOVA: I still don't get why you dressed as Quicksilver for the Pride Parade.

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NOVA & THE VISION Ep 15: "Days of Future What The Fuck?"

N&V get pissed when future X-Men keep showing up.

NOVA: I swear t'God, if ONE MORE mutant comes through that portal...

JUBILEE: Hi, I'm from 12 years in the future, where all mutants have turned into ice cream! Gee, sure is hot in the past.

PSYLOCKE: How's it goin'. I'm from 27 years in the future, where all female mutants got sex changes but kept their boobs.

NOVA: Permission to shoot these ridiculous goddamn future mutants?

VISION: DENIED, NOVA. THESE ARE PERSECUTED PEOPLE SEEKING HARBOR IN OUR TIME. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT WE--

SCARLET WITCH: hI! i'M fRoM 7 mInUtEs In ThE fUtUrE, wHeRe WiVeS hOlLoW oUt ThEiR rObOt HuSbAnDs AnD wEaR tHeM tO tEa PaRtIeS!!!

VISION: OPEN FIRE.